Last night, I learned some tough news. Drifter’s owners have decided that they are going to sell him. While I was always aware that my situation with Drifter would end at some point, it did come as a shock that that time is now.
Or pretty much now. I will still ride him until he is sold. But he will be sold, and very likely that will be soon. I have to be grateful for the opportunity to bring up such an incredible horse, and his owners have been so generous with me. I think that’s partly why it’s so hard to lose him.
I’m still processing. Drifter and I come so far together, and I felt like we were just getting to the good stuff. The time when the years of hard work would start to pay off. After our first (and now last) show season, I was full of confidence that the next year would be full of even better things to come.
I’m grieving for the loss of this relationship. And I’m also grieving for the loss of my goals and plans. Because I love competing and finally felt like I had a horse that I could be successful with. And now someone else will be, instead.
I’m not sure what comes next. I’ve started over and over and over with different horses for the last five years as I’ve made my way through the horse world as a horse-less adult amateur. I’ve had the support of wonderful people, who have generously allowed me to ride and compete their horses. So in that regard I feel very lucky and I would never want to sound ungrateful, bitter or angry.
I’m just very sad. And a little adrift.
As my good friend Chelsie reminded me: Everything is okay in the end; if it’s not okay, then it’s not the end. Owning a horse isn’t in the cards for me right now. So I’ll do what I – and many adult ammies – have always done. I’ll dust myself off and figure something out. I’ll keep riding. I’ll pick new goals. But first, I’m going to drink a glass (or two or a bottle) of wine, eat some ice cream and watch Netflix until I feel a little less fragile.
Words of support and encouragement from friends in the equestrian blogger community would go a long way right now. You’ve all been in tough spots before and come out the other side. After all, if you’re going to love horses, you have to be prepared for heartbreak, right?